Ah the pain it causes to admit that I, Nikky need help.. The thought is almost unbearable..
I don't really know where to begin, but I am hoping at least one of you guys will be able to give me some feedback.. Some sort of an opinion at least...
I've been really confused lately about a lot of stuff. How to go about moving on, how am I supposed to get my life started. Why do I hate my job so much... Why do I keep putting myself around shady people and fall for emotionally destructive and unavailable people.. i guess I am a sucker for a damsel in distress.. At this point I'd have to say I am the damsel.
bahaha.. Where is Hercules? =P
All the plans I have made for my life have fallen through, awesome, whatever I can deal with that. Story of my life, but what I am having a hard time grasping is why I keep trying to follow a plan that never worked out to begin with? HOW CRAZY AM I!!! Well I just don't know what is best for me at the moment. I have it in the back of my mind that I am just bailing on this crap shoot. Which I guess is true, But I deserve to be able to start with a clean slate and get my life going....
The plan always way after I graduate I was going to go to school In NYC and move out there and just do me. Figure it out when I get there. I have it in my mind that there is more oppurtunites for me out there, for me to grow (broke ahah) as a person, as an artist, as a photographer.. I figure there's more job oppurtunities for me out there then there is out here in boring old MA... Maybe there is, maybe i am just running away.. I don't know.. What do you think?
Now, as I am trying to find motivation to just wake up in the morning (again, I was so sure I was past this, I guess I need to see P.Roach more because it only woke me up and kept me alive for so long. Time for another show) and just be happy with myself, with my life, that sort of thing.. I am so lost as what to do next. I really don't feel like there is anything here for me, nothing worth loosing... Just a bunch of bad memories of my past that haunt me where ever I go.. rah rah...
So now, where can i go. other than new york, where is a good place for me to be. West coast? Wolfy how is Cali? Ready for a new roomie yet??? How about Out of the U.S? I wouldn't mind somewhere tropical? Some where cheap and musical, somewhere where i won't have to run for my life lol.
I guess at the end of the day I am just scarring myself out of being happy.. I am tricking myself to stay here and play it safe and be more miserable... though i have to say, I am very much one to pay attention to "signs" and what nots and I have seen a lot of things in the last 2 months that are telling me to not move to new york and just be somewhere where i can visit as often as I would like..... I had a friend for instance, In the same situation I am in, felt like if she didn't leave now, she never would, sick of being here, ready to start fresh and all that jazz, so she moved down south, HATES IT. and now I am wondering if that is gonna happen to me. A bigger city, much harder to live in.. that sort of deal... idk.. Anyone have any recomendations, something....
All because of this, i haven't really been able to eat or sleep. Well I've been binging on junk food again and now i have no desire to eat actual food, even though i feel sick everyday.....
I'm gonna be the size of Java the Hut before I make a damn decision all ready.... lol yes it is okay, you can laugh at that and not feel bad.. it is funny =)
Just so confused and depressed lately... It was so bad the other day that I couldn't listen to a whole song, Any song, not even p roach nothing helped. it was so sad, I felt like i was betraying our beloved P roach.. To whom I owe so much....
And now for a bit of a rant, if i don't make someone pity me then i might explode lol. Man I hate that. Feeling all weak and pitiful. its disgraceful. wah wah me. But anyway, as some of you have already read on my twitter. All my plans for my birthday are ruined.!
For my 21st birthday, since I am working, I thought i would treat myself to some proach (pit tickets of course) and shovel out the money tree and pay a bunch of money to an over rated band that charges too much. ahem ahem and see p roach. A because I am crazy and I love them, and It was my birthday so why not =) Gotta see our boys whenever they come around. =) got lots of catching up to do to some of you. lol.. you know who you are! ;)
But i lost the tickets on ebay, and now there's no chance of getting those back. but the idiot that I am, I still have hope. And me having hope is a reckless thing.. It keeps me going and kills me slowly at the same time... Hmmm that should be an Ed Hardy logo... I thought of it first! Damn you Ed Hardy!
But before that joyous day when I am front rowing pissing off a bunch of nickelback old fart fans in the pit singing along and acting way more excited then i actually am, i was going to warped tour... I was looking forward to that since it is the day after my b-day and it is a musical day. all is well.... But my friend Jon's ex who has the tickets, is claiming to sell them to someone even though she didn't pay for them, making us loose our tickets. and that isn't even the worse part, the worst of it is, my friend Jon who actually paid for the tickets, all three of them, isn't gonna bother doing anything. and he is totally bitching out. Which of course sets me off to a whole nother level out rage...
That's another thing that is gone - self control.. what a shame.
uh....
Idk. I have been meaning to ask you guys what you think I should do for months now, but I never know how to say it and i figure I will deal with it by myself... Since no one else that i used to call my "friends" is around anymore. No one gives a shit about anyone but there selves.. Well that isn't true, not for most of you. But i don't know. At this point. I feel so alone, all the time... and it has been years since I felt like this... especially feeling like this everyday... i've lost all control.. It is a good thing i don't have money to party or that would just be one more thing that i would loose control of and one more problem I'd have on my plate.....
well thanks for listening... Please anyone.. Give me some input.
< 3 Me
Blogs
@NxMx_Dizzle’s Blogs
Related Bloggers
thanks =)
DON'T listen to ANY signs... You can't trust anything other than your self, so do what you want and if you don't know what that is, Just go for anything.. But i think do know what you want, you just don't trust it. You can't think twice or else reality bites you in the ass. As for Subway, don't think about how awful it is working there, just thinknabout how much you love photography or your house in NY will be. I'll be stuck in the same situation as you in 5 years, we just haveto live. Listen to "to be loved" or "vienna" and you might feel better
@ Jello...
Yeah I know. I can't figure whats in my head or my heart.. Everything is a blur and I can't focus on anything.... I've tried a few different things to clear my head and wait for my instincts to kick in and tell me what to do... That's what I rely on after all.. Now they won't work and I feel stranded and am stuck in another rut.......
I was hoping someone else would have been in the same senerio and could tell me what they did.. Maybe someone else has the answer... It all clicks when you find "it" what ever "it" is.......
I don't know what makes me happy anymore, i really don't.....
YYEESS!!! TM
Aw Nikky. I really dont know what to suggest. I'm thinking you only have one life, and you dont wanna spend it all in some shitty place that you hate and will be upset in forever. But if your reading the signs telling you not to go, maybe it's best not to. Its kinda a situation to either follow your head or heart. And although we can comfort you, I don't think anyone can tell you what decision to make. It's really all down to you. Just as long as you are happy, I am :)
@paparoachroker07 ™ =) I added that....
yeah thanx. that was a big worry of mine... Not fitting in and all of that... I wouldn't move south.. I'm a city girl =)
couldn't hang out there...
not a bad idea about just going to the p roach show.. cept i don't have tickets now... only flaw to this plan
sorry!
hope to find time to read this all!!!!!
but i love you!!!
my friend!!!!
many hugs!!!!
OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS!!!
YOU GOT TOO MUCH TIME!!!!!!!
-_-
too lazy to read so many %&§)" stuff....
first FAST FOOD IS A SUCKY JOB thats why you hate it i worked at burger king before and i just wanted to shoot myself. And my friend is going to a huge acting school and NYC and she loves it, just a fyi. About the friend moving south and stuff, well, to me it only works for a few people. I've got high school buds in texas, florida, cali, ect but when i tried to move all i found is a place that i didn't fit. I made the mistake of moving to country when i'm a full city boy and all that shit. and if papa roach can't help, most of the time that dosen't happen, I always go with loud and scream, gets out some anger. and are you talking about proach being on tour with nickleback or are they on tour with someone else??? nvm, i kept reading. Hey maybe your friends will remember your 21st bday, I just got a call from my gf, not even a cake I mean come on its a birthday for crying out loud. well I say since your 21 during the nickcelback concert, from what i think, i say just drink during there setlist and rock out with proach, as long as you make someone else drive of course. things do get better i just don't know when, i'll let you know when they do for me. oh and sorry for the long comment. peace
lol thank you.. we can figure this out together =)